LIFE'S RULES.

[blaine]

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess'
on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.

13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.

14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan
to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery
tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

> 20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're
on.

21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

22. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

24. Snowmen fall from Heaven un-assembled.

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise
words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.
:cool: