I GOT A BOLT!!! *dies of happiness...
but then comes back 'cause shit ain't done*
I put it on 'bout a half to 3/4 turn past finger tight, and dumped some oil in there. I might have filled it past the F- line. It looked like it was below and I was like "Oh, I should put some more in--wait no! Engine's cold, oil will expand when it's hot, so I'm good" but then I guess some more of it settled because it was a bit over the line next I looked.

Anyway, problem's not solved, just now troubleshootable.
Here's a new vid with the noise it makes when I try to start
http://youtu.be/xqCiA8RixFc

These bikes are very "cold blooded" & will have a difficult time starting if choke is not operating. Sounds like it's turning over fine. ;) :)

definitely use the choke. you may also want to check if it is getting spark at the spark plug.

Yea she mentioned in her video that the choke was not working properly. ;) :)

Like I said in the vid, I can't get the choke to open all the way, seems like more of a problem in the switch than further down the line, anyone messed with that stuff before?

I just went out and tested the spark plug (argh! I wound up using my deep 18mm socket, which was still too short to be able fit my roommate's wrachet in there, so I had to ask my neighbors for an extender, which was so long I had to take my gas tank off :doh:) it's giving a nice bluey/purple spark.

Tomorrow I'll fiddle around with the choke and see what gives (or rather, why it doesn't)

✓ Fresh gas
✓ New and proper amount of oil
✓ turning over (sounds like)
✓ spark plug sparks

Sounds like you need to disconnect the choke cable at the carb end, so you can see what's happening at that end of the cable, when you operate the lever. Perhaps it's frayed, or just needs lubricating, or needs a new cable.

Is choke called something else in the service manual? I ctrl+F'ed "choke" to no avail, skimming through stuff now, but...

Ah, it appears to be the "starter plunger"
Ok, I lefty loosyed the nut thingy that's attached to the end of the starter plunger/choke cable on the side of the carb, it made some disconcerting clicking noises as I did so and when I opened it, the nasty looking spring was all twisted up from my unscrewing, but showed no sign of coming out. I haven't been able to find a description of how to disconnect this, which makes me think it should be a no-brainer, but I'm thinking I messed it up some how?

Here's another vid, so you can see what I mean: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OI6W...ature=youtu.be

Yep. there ia a plunger in front of the spring that is seized in the opening.Spray some penetrating fluid (WD-40) in the hole & the plunger will some out.Then you will see how it's supposed to operate.(choke-starter plunger)
;) :)